Spiritual fairy tale syndrome

10 days ago, I arrived in Auroville, a spiritual community in South India.

This is the place where my family settled since 2008 and where I lived for 7 years before moving to Belgium. 

I couldn’t imagine starting this trip without having a time for reflection and checking in with my self. Auroville was naturally a perfect destination. Not only I will be in loving hands of my family but also this was a place where a lot of my consciousness and awareness developed. 

My time in Auroville was not the most pretty period of my life. It was challenging and I had to encounter my weakness and ignorance over and over again. I was astonished how I just don’t own my body and mind at all. I experienced frustration and wearing out. Shame and guilt have developed.

 Those guilt and shame has been a big part of motivation for my growth for the past 5 years.

With this trip, I was putting that behind me with a wish to find a new source of power and motivation that is not based on fear.

So it was kind of personal ritual to come to Auroville this time. Re-visiting my old self and recognising where I’m coming from. 

About 3 months ago, when I finally decided to leave everything behind and seek for an unknown, something was telling me from the inside that after this trip, I won’t be the same person. I felt ready for a change and that change was starting at that moment by making this decision.

I’ve been on a path of gathering and building to connect with myself and at that moment that path was changing into a journey of letting go. 

It was such a strong call. The feeling was so clear. But It wasn’t an idea that I could grasp with my mind. 

So, when ever someone asked ‘What do you want to do during this trip?’, I always answered, ‘Well, I have few key words but nothing is certain. I’m sure of this decision but I don’t know yet what I want from this trip. I’m most certain that it will come once I’m there.

Tuesday 8th of November, I left Brussels and arrived in India the day after late evening. Thursday morning, I woke up with excitement. 

“this is the first day of my (life changing ;-)) trip!” 

As the day went by, nothing was really special. Next 4 days passed, nothing special. I started to feel bit anxious. 

I didn’t find these past days here are not very different from the days in Brussels.

I closed my business. I left home. I don’t have any social title.

In a sense, I choose to drop all the badges and decided to become nobody.

I let go a lot of things, yet I felt the same person.

Not feeling much lighter nor freer nor happier…

It’s like, I was expecting a spiritual Cinderella story and I’m getting anxious now because the reality of my self felt same old one as the one in Brussels. 

I was having such high expectation and was too serious about this trip, I couldn’t do anything because everything is still the same!!! My life is still the same and I’m still the same person!!! 

I thought that this moment need to be very special and meaningful. 

But the truth is, this is not a spiritual fairy tale nor a romantic adventure that will change my life.

In reality it might be the opposite.

There is no castle, there is no prince charming and there is no princess.

There is no title, no reputation, no successful career here.

In this trip, I’m no one.

There is no difference between me and this small dry leaf that just landed on my table in this terrace.

If someone asks me now ‘what are you doing?’, I’m not capable to answer that question without hesitation and minimum 10 min of explanation.

Things are vague… I could say that this feeling I have now could been expressed as feeling of lost 5 days ago. It was difficult to except that I feel lost when I’m on this journey of re-discovering my self.

But If I think about it, it’s hilarious of me that I will suddenly be a different person and my life will have deeper meaning, the day after I leave Brussels.

So, here I am. 

I’m allowing my self to enjoy simple things and let go of the expectation I have about this trip.

Not fantasising about it nor romanticising about. Not making it sounds fancy and super spiritual and meaningful…

I’m learning to see things and life as they really are. without added colour or highlights. Just as they are.

If I list some of the best moments of the last days here ; when I fell a sleep under a tree, watching a sun ray shining over the tree, admiring the green colour of the leaves, smelling scent of some delicate sweet flower, When I submerged completely in drawing a lotus in the lake of Kulapalayam, a local village in Auroville, and when I decided to clean the garden of my parents and spending hours just collecting fallen leaves, observing each plants in the garden, laughing at a thought that how my mom is really not talented in gardening and I would love to make this garden nicer together with her while I’m here.

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Ah, I remembered.

I remember now what I was excited about with my month and a half in Auroville.

Enjoying and taking time for ordinary things that I couldn’t appreciated fully because I was too busy and occupied. Like cleaning, cooking, walking from one place to another place for an appointment or having a silly cute chat with Nicolas… 

Simply, living life instead of working or fighting life…