My second ceremony happened on Friday 6th of January. That's right, just two days after the first one. This time it was with Huachuma a cactus that grows here in the Andes, also known in English as San Pedro. If Ayahuasca is called the grandmother, Huachuma is called the grandfather.
The ceremony was taking place in Pisac, at the hummingbird retreat center with Paul and Sue. Unfortunately Sue was not present this time but we were well received by Paul, a kind man in his 60's.
That morning, we were 12 participants and he welcomed us with a cup of ginger tea in his garden.
The center was beautiful. The garden was compact but really well taken cared and so was the house, very cozy and well taken cared off.
Paul gathered people who were drinking this medicine for the first time to give an introductory talk.
Basically it was very similar to Ayahuasca. It is a heart medicine, the best we can do is to surrender, switch off the mind and trust the medicine etc… The main difference was that it was going to last longer (much longer!!!). We started at 9:30am and we stayed for sleep over. So the ceremony lasted 14-15 hours at least.
The medicine was less bitter than Ayahuasca but slimy like Aloe Vera. After drinking my cup, I went to search for a place in the garden where I could stay alone and focus. I found a small corner next to a small vegetable garden with a little miniature temple and different statues of gods. I sat there and started to meditate.
Soon after, I realized I couldn’t focus anymore. Something inside of me was taking off its own moves and I had no will nor control over it. I started to shake like I did during the Ayahuasca ceremony. The shaking builded up quickly and I was shaking so strongly I couldn’t resist to groan.
I understood purging, shaking or even screaming are forms of release. Release of physical tensions as well as emotional blockages. So I was welcoming it fully and when things were becoming really difficult I said to myself ‘I’m willing’.
At one point, I felt that I wanted to cover my face as if I was ashamed. I realised it was related to my sexuality and as soon as I realised it, I started crying. I didn’t try to make less noise. I tried to let it go as much as possible. Surrendering and letting the medicine flow into me and allow me to see what the master plant wanted to show me.
At one point, I opened my eyes. I saw a clothe that I was using as a pillow and crying on. My head was covered with other cloths and I was facing down. It was like a dejavu. Me in this situation with lots of guilt and shame. I remembered that I had this kind of feelings often long ago, when I was sexually engaged. It came to me that that was a revelation of my past life. That in one of my past life, I was a sexual slave.
(It’s really uncomfortable to say this out loud but it’s the past and I can’t do anything to un-done it. I can only appreciate this revelation that brought lights on where my blockages came from.)
This lasted for a long time. The past traumatic experience was repeating itself again and again. I was not fighting it. I let my tears drop, I let my body shake. I allowed it to happen. It could have been painful but somehow it wasn’t. I had no mind to think nor judge the situation as it was happening. I was there experiencing and witnessing at the same time, realising where my long existing sexual blockages came from…
Paul came to check on me and I had difficulty to see his eyes. My face was covered with tears and sweat. I felt ashamed and humiliated.
Around 3pm, Nicolas came to check on me. I couldn’t believe how he seemed so fine and walking and speaking normally when I’m tripping my ass like crazy. Didn't he had drink the same amount of the same medicine?
Nico helped me to go to the toilet. It was really, really, difficult to get up but as I got up, I realised I could decide to get out of whatever I was experiencing and change it. It took me a long time to reach the toilet. I walked two steps and collapsed and repeated that again and again. I was laughing at myself and crying at the same time. It was humiliating and I didn’t wanted to be seen by anyone like this.
After the toilet I came back to my spot. I went back to my inner revelation. It was not as lasting as during the morning. I had only glimpses of different experiences. It seemed that I had memories of different female figures in my body…Mother, Witch, sexual victim, warrior, wolf… I felt strong connection to my womanhood not only in this life time but through generations and generations, individually as well as collectively.
When the sun was starting to soften, I slowly moved towards the bonfire that Paul had lighten up and started to move my body. I kept on moving and stretching and going upside down for a while. Somehow I couldn’t walk without support of another person but moving my body in one spot was possible. It felt good to move my body. I thought that there is no coincidence that yoga came into my life. My body is my temple and the source of my power.
Nicolas came again to check on me. I asked him to help me getting up and to bring me to the highest point of the garden. I felt like to shout. We went up. I asked Nico to help me to shout by him shouting first, to give me courage as I was not even able to speak well at that point. I was holding so much tensions in my jars !
So he shouted loud. And I shouted small. I felt shy, embarrassed… Nicolas told me that I could do much better than that. So I tried again. After a few try I was screaming to the mountain as loud I possibly could. It felt so good! After that ,the tensions in my jar disappeared and I was able to speak normally again. I also felt more awake.
Late evening, I wanted to sleep as I was really tired but as soon as I lied down, I started to shake again. I asked Nico to be with me. Finally, I fell asleep past midnight shaking in Nico's arms, feeling grateful for all these experiences. It was intense and painful but at the back of my awareness, throughout the day, I was feeling extreme gratitude for this experience.
Next day morning, I woke up early and meditated. I tried to put together all the experiences into words but the story didn’t came up, just few words. Like definition of different experiences I had had. I realised that the medicine was really strong and thanks to that, I hadn't had the capacity to keep my mind switched on during that all day.
I felt calm. I felt awake. I could feel energy softly flowing in my body.During the whole day after the ceremony, I felt very mindful and quiet in my mind. Very sensitive in my stomach as well as with sound. I also had my yoga practice. I felt my muscles weak but my body more free.
I feel that I’m cracking something that has been kept hidden well within thanks to those medicine plants. I had a glimpse of what I can discover and collecting pieces of myself that were long lost. Those lost pieces might not be the prettiest ones but I do feel more connection with my being because I’m reaching out with gratitude and openness to something that I’ve been keeping away, hidden, from myself.
What the medicine does is bringing light into the places that had been hidden. How I react to it is up to me. I can refuse it but I can also surrender to it and include them. Wether it’s ugly or dirty, at the end, the more I include and surrender to it, the bigger and fuller I become.
I am already not the same person that I was when I left Belgium.
My belief system is being challenged. I feel it's breaking down slowly. My believes about what I am, My believes about what the world is, my believes about what is normal... I never thought I would speak of past lives or visions !
I feel I’m stepping into wonders of life and universe, mysteries of the future. Things are getting exciting but terrifying at the same time. Each step doesn’t bring more clarity but even more confusion and the feeling of being out of of control. But my inner voice is telling me “Sit there tight sister, let Life come to you. Stop trying. Stop fighting. Only surrender and gratitude will set you free. You have chosen the path of the Warrior. Live your fear, live your love "...
“As far as I am concerned the most important message that ayahuasca has for the modern man and woman is “Let go”: let go of the social constructs, the psychological armoring, and the wounds and deeply seated traumas that suffocate the spirit and weaken the body”
Much love and blessing to all of you.
I wish you all an inspiring and insightful 2017.