I am still in Pisac, in the Sacred Valley. Well actually I am now staying in Qoya, the next village going down the Urubamba river in direction of Machu Pichu. Haein joined me here on the 25th. It is good to be reunited with my love.
I am aware that I am due for a post about plant medicine, so let's see where I am at with it. Since my last post, I did a couple more ceremonies with the sacred grandfather Huachuma and one more ceremony with the sacred grandmother Ayahuasca.
During my second encounter with Huachuma, I stayed for hours aware of a part of me that wanted to die and make me die with it. That part of 'me' was actually the energy of my mum's brother that I never had a chance to meet and who had a short, difficult life being born with a genetic disease. It somehow got transfer on me or so that was my experience. During this time, I had very clear visions of a post apocalyptic world, resembling the Earth in the Matrix, with the big dark cloud and the machines walking along the human farm and in the middle of those horrific visions, I couldn't find myself, my center, my heart nor my will. I felt lost in that world. Anywhere I looked, it was devastation and gruesome half organic half robotic apparels sucking energy from me. I could feel clearly where those apparels were attached to my body. Eventually, Paul and Sue, my dear dear host for the day, helped me to focus, asking the right questions that would eventually help me to see a step after this nightmarish vision.
All in all, not such a great way to spend your day if you ask me. I was quite confuse for some days, not being quite sure if I was doing any good or simply steering into traumatic experiences, may they be mine or some past onto be by relatives or through past lives. But I went back to meet the plant teachers the following week, booking myself two ceremonies. I was the first surprise believe me ! I learn to follow a space within myself that does not always take the time to inform my mind. Mind don't like it but that becomes less and less of an issue for me.
This time with the intention to open my heart and allow my inner rigidity to melt down, I went to the mountain, praying the Apus, the mountain spirits, and the ancestors, my blood ancestors, my land ancestors and the ancestors of this land I was walking on. And with that spirit I presented me once again to Huachuma.
That day, as the sacred grandfather manifested inside of me, surrounded by the beautiful mountains, the thought that kept on coming was: I could jump now, I could let myself die now, how beautiful and meaningless (or did I meant victimless or maybe without consequences?) it would be, for me, to die right now.
A part of myself wouldn't let that happen though. And I kept on walking, being even more mindful of my every steps, decided not to let the suicidal aspect of me choose to jump or miss a step. And as I was identifying with the seer instead of with my thoughts, I decided that if a part of me wanted to jump and die here and now, I was ready to let it go, to offer it to the mountains.
By the time we arrived at the highest point in our journey, I felt lighter. That part of me that wanted to die had made the jump, and I could allow myself to deeply relax. I could allow myself to feel my need to be nurtured, to be fed, to be loved, and ask the mountain for it, and let the mountain do it. As if the part that had jump was the persona that had to protect life by cutting itself energetically from my mum in her womb and after birth.
Without entering into details here, I did had a pretty traumatic end of growth in my mother womb and coming into life. That, I could feel for the first time, thought me that I had to hold it together, never able to trust anyone with my life. How could I when I learned as an infant that I couldn't even trust the belly that was giving me life?
From that point on, I kept finding myself in a fœtal position in the cracks of big boulders. Asking and receiving comfort, protection and love. Allowing myself to be in need and to receive. And I did receive much more than I ever dared to ask! I was filled with love and gratitude. For my mum, my family, my friends with whom I was sharing this journey, the sacred grandfather and the mountains and the spirits who were welcoming here, now, in this new, vulnerable, open, giving state of being. I learned that day how abandonment and complete trust into someone or something can be a form of true strength, how that is true love, how that is true connection to nature, to myself.
And two days later I was back in ceremony ! This time in a temple to sit with mother Ayahuasca for the night. I did summed up my experience of the night to Haein in that terms: I came here in South America with the intention to connect with Mother Nature. And I believed the plants would help me. Mother Aya showed me how full of shit I was. Not regarding my intention, mind you ! But in my general way of being in the world. Full of shit, complaining, hiding myself the truth of my desires and wants, fearful and worry, and mainly avoiding what made life, life. Habits, I was shown, that I created and nurtured throughout all my teenagehood and early adulthood, with the help of marijuana. And those behaviors created some kind of ugly slimy green screens cutting myself from the world around me. When I finally could face those shitty behaviors, thoughts, habits of being and not identifying with them anymore, I saw them creating a kind of thread going from my mind to my stomac. And then I trew it up. The purge was so violent ! As if a demon was being exorcised and suddenly rushed out of from the depths of my being and into the bucket I was holding in front of me. I directly felt lighter, brighter, less cold, less tired, much quieter and a few hours later when I went to give this terrible liquid back to Mother Earth in the garden, I felt joy and a sense of deep gratitude and importance for this moment. The moment I finally gave back to the Earth an energy that didn't belonged in me, the moment I got closer to myself as part of nature and the big Mystery that is life.
Ok, that is, here is in a nutshell my last experiences with the sacred plant teachers (I do remember everything of my experiences and they lasted for hours that felt like days, sometimes months). Going through those words again, I see the difference with my sharing a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling so much gratitude for the plants now ! So much respect for those teachers ! They help me see, feel my bullshits and old strange scary energy I am carrying and identify with and if I recognize them as they are, bullshit and unnecessary burden that doesn't serve me anymore, the plants help me purge them, give them back, let them die. Those are real teachers, showing the path and never intending to walk it for you. Not giving any slack as to not see the path, but neither ever intending to do anything more or less than that. You, I, am the one who needs to recognize what is in front of me and decide to take the first step, and the next.
There is a lot I am now thinking about. Thoughts are mixing in my head about the initiation to a spiritual life, a life dedicated as knowing oneself, about all the practices and teachings I received and followed all those years. About all the methods I learned and am practicing and all the choices I made as well as the ones I didn't made. I think my next post will be dedicated to try and make a bit of sense in all that. Putting my things in order or something. How is the meeting of the teachings of the East and the West landing inside of me, helping me to invent and walk my path.
Love to you all ! I wish you a wonderful, weird and epic new year !
May we all awaken to our bullshits and open to Love, for ourselves and each other's,
Blessings in all directions,